22 فبراير 2010

I Thanked God That You Read My Blog

Dear you,

I feel like something is going wrong now and I really don’t know how I should begin to write. Having a really deep conversation with my own self draws me to madness, the thing that I should face. Having nights and days thinking mostly about you is not so me. I have changed all my daily routine since the day you come to get to know me. All my friends were really surprised having me like this. I made a wall hoping that no one can see what is inside me because out of all things that I am afraid the most is to let others know that I am really into you. Knowing that they for sure will never give me support on this, I really, hardly work myself to turn into some one secretive. Sometime I feel so exhausted of having the same thing repeating in my life feeling like nothing is going to change. I easily fall for someone, hoping for them and wish that they would be my best dream I will ever have, but all that I was waiting for totally ruined into a doom. As what my appearance can tell you, well, you know well, I was born not like others – they can fall in love and they can get married. I am unlike them like what mother said.

For almost six years I’ve been leaving with a broken-into-pieces heart, pieces of bad and good. I have nothing that I can save for you, for I am a sinner. I don’t have that much wealth to share with, nor really good features that might quench your desire, nor even I came from a good descendant that you could be proud of, yet I still have broken pieces of heart that I can offer you. Until the day that I found you, I saw my heart full in you and hope that one day you could take half of my heart and exchange it with half of yours, altogether good and bad.

I’ve dreamt a lot in my deep sleep and I could figure out clearly that I saw you twice. That time, in my dream, I was chatting with you and it really impressed me that I can read letters and alphabets while having a dream. You told me that you don’t really like whenever I am with H and the conversation between you and me was full of essence of jealousy. I’ve think wisely and made a decision that even how close I can get with him; he’s not the one I am looking for but only for a true friendship, not even more. You know that he’s broken-hearted and I’m just trying to do my best to give him support to hold him up. However, there is a time where I feel that one day I can easily fall for him if there is still no one who can save me and there the scenes will keep repeating if he rejects me – I could be massively damage. So come and save me so that I can easily set my limit not to hurt you. I just don’t want to hurt you but a little that I can handle.

I feel like there is a barrier between me and you whenever I try to have a conversation with you. The thing is I really don’t know what kind of thing that might make you focus on me. I’ve been trying to look for the things that you like to put them into our conversation but we differs each other, only a little that I found to be the same between you and me. Out of all speeches that I want to let you know and if only I know that I can get rid of own shadow, I want you to know how I really like you and I really want to try to learn how to love you. I just afraid if I tell you this, I would screw the rest of my life, feel embarrassing and spoil our friendship; it’s better to keep you as a friend than to keep hurting myself admiring you.

If there is no chance or space for me to get into you, I would rather have you to tell me so that I can look for another path to continue my life as what God Almighty has written for me, and I will try to be pleased to lead my way with sadness and sorrow till the time I could turn normal.

Lastly, if you ever choose the one of your own choice beside me, I am ready to let you go and the only thing that I want you to promise me is that when the day has come where I will depart myself to another world, and if it is not a burden for you, I would really want you to attend my funeral and pray for me.

With hope and a lots of love. May God save your journey wherever you go.

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